Saturday, January 16, 2010

Has He Adusted Yet?

I have had some people ask if Jack is all adjusted and bonded now. Those of us who have parented an adopted child know that is not possible. Jack IS doing extremely well, yet there is so much that even I don't know about him in this short time. I feel that being bonded and adjusted will mean I know him and he will know me. We are still learning.
When Allie and Ethan were nine months old I knew them inside and out. I knew when they were happy, sad, what made them happy and sad, what scared them, when they liked to sleep, how they liked to sleep, when they were getting sick, when they were tired, stressed, hungry, even when they were going to the bathroom in their little diapers I could tell by just looking at them. They knew me too. They knew when I was joking and playing and when I was serious. They knew when I was rubbing their back it meant I wanted them to go to sleep, they knew when I went to the kitchen I was not going to just leave them in the highchair forever, but was getting them more food or a washcloth.
Jack and I have barely gotten to know each other. There are times when I don't know if he is crying or laughing. I don't always know his fake laugh from his real laugh and if a fake laugh is just his awkward way of covering up a feeling that he is having. He doesn't know when I am being silly from when I am being serious and sometimes confuses the two and ends up thinking he is in trouble when mom was just playing. He doesn't know how to tell me when he is done eating and is I think almost afraid to tell me if he doesn't like the food I am feeding him. I am learning the head down and sad eyes may mean he doesn't enjoy baby food carrots. Yet he doesn't know what will happen if he doesn't eat them, will there be something else? He has been sick with a cold and ear infections since he has been home, they are now just starting to go away, so the Jack I have gotten to know may well be different then the Jack that may show up when all this sickness disappears. Who knows! Sleeping patterns, naptime, the food he will eat may all be totally different, just like they are when any child gets sick.
Yes he turns his head and looks at me when you ask him about mommy but he doesn't know what a mommy is, he is still learning. Omma to him is his mommy who took care of all his needs. I am called mommy and John is called daddy but he could be looking at us for nothing more but for the reason that those are our labels such as if we taught him Kara or John.
He does look to me to take care of his needs, but how much of that is out of fear that no one will otherwise. Does he cling to me when strangers are around because he loves and wants me, or because he is afraid if he goes to someone else it maybe the last time he will ever see me and I will be gone like Omma. We have a lot more to learn about each other before we are anywhere close to adjusted or bonded. Yes I love Jack! Yet we are still pretty much strangers who are getting to know each other. I am still waiting for my first kisses.

1 comment:

MissJenn said...

Great post. I was just thinking that today. When I finish giving Scarlett her bottle, she almost jumps into the crib. I know they tell us most of our babies sleep on futons with fm but I am almost certain that S. slept in a crib before coming to us. But I don't know for sure. Today I held her hand to my dog's nose so she could tough him and she became hysterically upset. I don't know if she was once scared by a dog, or if she has never seen a dog. But now the dogs are outside for a while. We will re-introduce her slowly.
Also I wanted to thank you for your nice comment on my blog.
Jen aka "Jenergy"
Also: did you post something a while back that was a pdf file of important things to remember to do post adoption? I printed it out and lost it. Can you re-link me, if that was you? THANKS!